Word Vomit

I play the part Fake a smile And act happy Nothing has changed Not from what I can tell It looks the same I'm still hurt I keep trying to numb the pain Drinking is only a momentary escape I kept hoping for the best Then ended up feeling worse I made too many failed attempts So now I just go through the motions Without any expectations I'm beginning to detach

Gina and I fight again As she's sobbing she asks me What the hell is wrong with you? I don't know Maybe life just sucks And I'm feeling done I push her away My person My rock I tear her apart She kicks me out  I find a new apartment Screw this I don't care None of it matters I doodle in class My grades begin to tank I'm wasting time I get up to leave I can hear my professor If you leave then you fail I shrug my shoulders I guess that I fail then So much for being a doctor I go home I'm alone My head starts spinning I punch a mirror Break the glass My reflection is shattered For a moment I stand in silence Then I laugh hysterically

Times passes by You're no longer there I continue Keeping busy To stay distracted Not wanting to miss you Day after day I try to be brave But it's dark out The wind chills my bones I don't want to be alone It sucks being without you I can't stop thinking I can't stop feeling I can't help but resent you I thought we were close But I didn't know You never told me Fake smile Mouth full of lies I didn't know you A deranged man With dishelved hair And the stench of whiskey I fill my glass Think about the past And all I can see is regret Now you have him I have no one And that's that

Miles never mattered Not to me No matter how exhausted Driving late at night Wishing I could stay But life is tricky I keep myself busy Reading and writing Running and gaming I need more money To pay off debts And find my own place I'll get there I know it It's what I'm striving for But for now Things are hard I feel like I'm behind I look at them What they have And I want it so bad Until then Here I am Working to get there

I grab a beer Talk Then lay back I feel safe I laugh For a moment I forget But only a moment Then reality comes back I look at the can Only one Then some water Not resorting to that I actually look at my emotions Even though they scare me I stare right back No more hiding No more fighting I just embrace them I reflect Sort out my flaws Then think of my plan I've learned a lot I know what I want I want me Through and through I want me No matter what Whether I succeed Whether I fail I am what I got

I keep going Without a compass I have no direction Still don't know I keep thinking What do I want? I want a good life Surrounded by dogs Alongside someone I love Other than that I have no clue There are so many factors A place to live A career to pursue So many major decisions People always tell me That I'll get there But I have no destination Where am I going? There's no map to tell me Where I need to go No path is laid out for me I walk around aimlessly Just hoping to find something

I sit around waiting I'm bored and anxious I'm supposed to be out by now Minutes turn to hours I'm ready to go I feel impatient Could've gone to the gym Could've gone to the library Could've done something Time continues to go by I'm wasting it I need to stop waiting This always happens I should've known I need to keep busy I go to the park Go alone I walk in circles Minutes keep ticking Still nothing What am I doing? On my third lap now I stop I can't keep going in a loop I need to move forward My time is precious I have to think of me

I messed up I know I messed up But this time she doesn't listen to me As I go down my list of excuses She looks down at her feet Slowly shaking her head I ask her what she wants I ask her what she needs She says nothing At this point I'm panicking I'm angry and scared I demand that she say something She still doesn't Doesn't even look at me I can tell she's trying not to cry After what feels like an eternity She finally looks at me Dead in the eye Then without a word She starts walking away I follow after her I tell her how sorry I am I beg her to stay and let me explain But she keeps walking I try to grab her by the arm She yells at me to let go of her I do I'm done I can't do this anymore Do you understand? I nod. Jack You were my best friend But you've let me down too many times I don't know what to say I say nothing She lets out a sigh and leaves I...